Wednesday, August 24, 2011

reality check

     This is not my reality, this is not my life. I catch glimpse here and there of my life. you know the one that made since. Yeah that life where i thought everything was OK. Someone plucked me right out of it and dropped me in this hell, and you yes you, run right by going ha ha i know you want me but you cant catch me. Come back, i need you. I need to know that everything is right. I need to be there with you. It was easier so i thought. I was happy ( I think). I was in a good place in my head. ( maybe). i can tell you life that i would rather be there than here, even with all of those shadows of doubts i never thought about them till now. ( so that life was good)

    You threw a curve ball right into my world. You could have thrown it by, that would have been OK. I think about it daily, its been 4 weeks and this hell has just begun. Life tell me what am i suppose to learn from this. I need help i need the answers. I'm not good at figuring these things out. Please tell me. My mind is ready to explode, no i'm not going to do anything. ( well maybe another mild mental break down.) I don't sleep in fear i might miss you, when i do sleep i see you but not the way i want to.

   emptiness, pain, joy, all gone. It gets better they say, but i'm not sure i believe that. Ok wait not all gone, my own kids bring me joy and make me laugh daily. My own kids the ones i worry about more than me, my life with them will never be the same. I can make good, but they will always miss that old life to. My family's pain, my poor brother, how i wish i could carry the burden for you. I would and you know I would. Life my mother is getting old and this has aged her many years past what she should be, shes a strong lady ya know, you have plucked her up from her own reality many times only to drop her into one that made no since at all. But i got to tell you, this reality hurts the most, this one was not meant for us. You gave us the wrong life. And now you cant put us back.

   I'm ashamed i cry daily for you, than feel bad because maybe i'm cheating my own kids. But i just say that's stupid you were like one of mine, just like your brother and sister. You cross my mind a million times, nobody know where to begin, maybe its just not time to begin. On the other hand we really need to because other people are counting on us. People are ready to give up, not them selves but to make life changing decisions that could be good or bad. People all over are doing things in your name, but that's not the way its suppose to be.

  Life, give us some guidance at least. Maybe than we can all start to figure out where to go, nobody wants to be in this hell anymore. Please that's not much to ask for.

Saturday, August 20, 2011


I'm struggling with the demons with in, they have a tight grip on me right now. It seems to be getting harder and harder to break free. My nephew is dead i can grip that, i just want to know why. I am struggling for the whys. I'm starting to let that go though and am moving into boy do i miss him so. I loved him as much as my own boys, he brought joy to all of our lives. These demons, well they are starting to loosing up.

Now I have my husband and the demons i have been struggling with him with for the better part of 8 years, I was ready to leave last week we went to the therapist and i told her so. She made sure to make a special appointment for me on a Saturday, hmm maybe i should worried about that one. So i have decided that since my husband wants to keep going than i at least owe him that. I just want to be happy and i know that comes from within, i am happy with my self just not always my situation. So one baby step at a time. and maybe all the lessons to be learned will happen and work for me..

Sunday, August 7, 2011


There are no words to describe the emptiness i feel in my heart, Cherokee is forever gone. It has gotten harder as the days have passed. The family starts counseling this week fingers crossed.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

standing still

   I am stuck in a nightmare that i cant even explain. My nephew died last week at 17, by his own hand. So many questions left unanswered no note no warning, nothing. He was a beautiful person in all ways, he was loved by many and brought so much joy to this world. Always had a smile on his face, and lived life to the fullest. He excelled at everything he did, sports to school work or just being a friend. Never afraid to say i love you and give you a kiss even in public. He was proud of his family and who he was. I cant imagine where to go from here. I loved him as much as my own kids, and have thought i was cheating them. But realized i am not and should be proud to be his aunt. His dad (my brother) was an incredible father, yeah he worked long hard days but he still made time to do things with his kids. Even a trip to the store he would make a memory with them, i admire my brother in more ways than i can say.
   Many thoughts i am here left with, not just about my nephew but about my own life, my own marriage my kids. I Love my husband and i know he loves me, but we certainly don't make time for our kids, or ourselves. I am a go go type of person, he is a home body. Work makes him so tired that really we do nothing as a family. He has thyroid and testosterone problems and medication to correct the problem, ie lack of energy. But he will not take it right, and i don't mean he misses a day here and there i mean he will have 30 pills last him six months. I guess i just thought that after his heart attack and bypass surgery, he would have changed things. Maybe a card game or dinner together. But what about a hike, or a trip to the beach. We have three boys his mine and ours. And i have always felt he was harder on mine, he says its because he needs that with his adhd. Yeah maybe he does but it can be done in a different way. I have talked to him many times about it. Yet it is the same.
   I am only bringing this up because my nephew lived with his dad, so did my niece. Their mother picked a guy over them, i guy that was not nice to them that was mean, not physically but emotionally, which my son struggles with my husband with. I cant imagine now how that mother feels, and i don't want to ever feel that way. I sit and think what if that was my son, how would i feel about my decisions in life up to this point. Right now i don't like most of mine, and i feel my 13 year old pain. My husband does love him more than anything, but is by far very different with him. And not only does the 13 year old see it but his 15 year old son who lives with us sees it.
    So where do i go from here? This has forever altered everything i have ever thought, it has altered my own reality, it has altered my own dreams and what i think a family should be like. I want that life i want to live every moment to the fullest i want my kids to know they were loved, and to not think they are an asshole, because that's what dad tells them. But i don't know how to fix this, i have been trying for 4 years now to no avail, yeah he is great to me most of the time, but?

Sunday, July 31, 2011

Thursday, July 28, 2011


Cherokee you were to young to go, i know we leave when it is our time. I am stuck right now in place of nowhere. I wish i was lost i could find my way out. But where i am there's no way in and no way out. I know your in heaven looking over us. But why did you have to go at 17? Everyday i see something that reminds me of you. I know you are ok, And we will be too. You will always be in our hearts. The memories will stay alive. You were the best nephew. You taught my boys alot, they looked up to you. Keep on smiling.

I will see you again.

I love you with all my heart.

Aunt Toni

I don't want to write anymore in this blog. The grief i have had surrounding my family lately is to much to bare, an uncle died another is dieing and my nephew left us on the 17. I will write on my paper with my pen, for only me to hold and read when i need it most. Thank you for the people who have followed. But i cant do anymore on here. I will be removeing it shortly.


Wednesday, May 18, 2011

dinosaur eggs and best friends

   I want to start with the fact that i have very vivid dreams. I normally wake up once a night going wtf was that about. I also have a tendency to be able to comprehend and think rationally in my dreams. That has taken many years of practice. I tend to remember at least one if not bits and pieces of many.
    This particular night i was having a hard time sleeping. I took a benadryl about midnight hoping it would calm my sinuses and also give me that little extra umph to dream land.
    Here i am in a standard hospital, doctors nurses the whole nine yards. I was going to be a surget mother for my friend or at least that is my take on it. I went through all the preliminaries of meeting with the head doctor to make sure i had a stable mind. I also had the physical the blood drawn and i was all set to do this.
   Now I am in a room laying on my side in the white gown waiting for the doc to start the procedure. In walks my friend with her white gown shoes wrapped in blue booties and a hair cap. She proceeds to put her gloves on. Holding a gigantic looking dinosaur egg in her right hand she states ( I think this is what we are going to do, I am going to lift your leg and ram this sucker in.)  OK now my rational side of me is thinking wait this is not right what the hell is she thinking. Oh god i saw the look of fear in my eyes, Bang wide awake i am.
   This would have to be one of the strangest dreams i have had. I can only think that it came about because i am having my tubes tied, And i also watched a 7 month old baby that day.
   Feel free to add your opinion to this. It would be much appreciated.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Saturday, April 16, 2011


I like the town i live in but hate the landlord he does not fix anything...ugg back to looking thought it was a good place but i was wrong when the lights started to leak water and the back bedrooms have no heat, and many other things that are to much to list. It will just piss me off more than i am.. Thanky you bloggy land for letting me vent. this shit sucks....I hate looking for places to house my family...On ward we march,
I want something that i can stay in for a long time, moving sucks.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Minute Mans Wife

       This is to you. We have been together as friends for a long time, we meet by chance i think. Mutual friends brought us together. You were a girl i could be my self with, you never passed judgment. You were just like me in alot of ways, and yet so different. You could be yourself around me, tell me all your secrets,and when you didnt i still new them anyways. I have that special gift ya know. My kids hate it, they wish i could not get in to their heads.
        So many fun times we had, from drinking your moms liquor to being left at the roller rink, And even sharing the same friends. If you know what i mean. So many times i have wished i could go back to my youth and get lost in it all again. But there were sad times to like when you were in the hospital and i came to see you with our friends, yeah it was an hour away but i know it meant everything to you. Times when we thought my family might move. To heart breaks and thinking our world has ended because the current guy we were dating dumped one of us. We were thick as thieves you and I. Did everything together.
        Well we went out last night and had the girl time we needed, trying not to bring up subjects that would hurt. Drinking our scorpion bowl and having some crab Rangoon's. It was nice just to chill.  But the thing is, over the last six years we have been hanging again, you have done more for me than i can ever repay you for. giving me cloths and shoes and taking me out. Being there for me when my heart was broke. Maybe you didnt always know what to say, but you still listened anyways. I guess what i am trying to say is that i am lucky to have a friend like you. And i hope one day i can do for you what you have done for me.
        Please stay true..only you know what that is...I always think of you as the rainbow girl. The one who can pull off the punky Brewster look. And the girl who can look sophisticated if she needs. But the rainbow girl is always shining through in some way or another in what ever you wear..

Monday, March 7, 2011


So here i am talking to my friend about her current situation, And she says i should have listen to the voices in my head, as to which i replied, oh i don't listen to mine very often it is always telling me to jump. That's right the evil little guy on my shoulder saying jump i know you can fly, the other one saying hey i have never steered you wrong you cant fly. As to which i am now looking at them saying shut up. I can to fly, wait i don't have wings, i want to jump, no i dont i still have to much to do. I want to meddle in others affairs, no you don't , oh yeah well to late already did. I want to say told you so. Nope cant do that, you were hoping it would be different. Those little voices just don't want to go away, Yes i have jumped once or twice, because the one on the right told me to or the one on the left they tend to switch things up just to confuse me. Yep jumped of a bridge, that was oh i don't know, but way to high from the water for my comfort. Whole way down screaming oh shit, hit the water and felt like it took ten minutes to surface, the whole time wondering if i was going to surface or if that voice of mine was going to keep me down, only to surface after all the life had drained out of me, And guess what that voice said to me, see you can fly. Try again!!  No way the other one said, the next time it might not be near water. Remember when you were driving and i brought you back from the edge of the road, because that guy over there yep that's right, the one sitting there always steering you to jump, yeah him telling you it was ok, to go to that place of the great beyond. And me on the other side screaming no, you can make it through, it is only a bump in the road called life, All the while you were holding your ears going lalalalalal, I cant hear you, lalalala. Damn voices show up in the worse possible times, but thankfully i can realize that there is still so much left to learn. So to my dear friend, sometimes we don't listen because there was a lesson that still needed to be learned.

Friday, February 11, 2011


this is something i struggle with i am an animal lover of all types, except creepy crawly bugs. Well a couple of years ago i rescued a wonderful black German Shepard, i believe he was a retired canine. Midnight was is such a wonderful dog, but he is old in fact he will be 11 in July. I was hoping to give the dog a good home to live out the rest of his years, as a lazy dog. So circumstances happened and we lost our house which was not even a factor when we took midnight in. Well moving to an apartment that would only let me have one big dog i had to choose, our other sheared who is four, is our million dollar dog she has broken her elbow and has pins she is allergic to everything that involves grains. Midnight went to a wonderful home, my brothers. Where i could still visit him. Now my brother and his wife are moving, and he is to come back here. I am not suppose to have him. but how can you hide a 100 lb Shepard? Just so happens that mu friend has been thinking about a dog, She would be the perfect fit for her. Except i am worried about her little girl, who is very afraid of animals in general. I know this sheared would love her to pieces. And than there is the old factor it is hard to fall in love with an animal that may go sooner than you want him to. But I can guarantee he will not go to a shelter. People may say well you should have rented someplace that would let you have both dogs. But at the time I had a perfect house for him. And I could not find a place that would allow two big dogs and three boys..

Monday, January 31, 2011

the frustrations of my 12 year old..

Lets see it is now 7:09 am, and i have been up since 6:15 trying to get my 12 year old out of bed. First i start my coffee because this feat is going to take some serious caffeine to be able to stay sane, so with coffee in hand i go on to my sons room and precede to start and wake him up, First lights are on blankets off, And he just lays there, dozing on and off. Now I have tried to pull him out of bed which results in him yelling that i am hurting him one way or another. So here i am left standing wondering did i just hurt him. Because i am so furious with this situation that i might just have. Lets see this process has taken now over a half hour to get this far, I now open his mouth and proceed to cram his pill in and tell him to swallow. So here we are we have arrived at 6:50 in the morning and all i have accomplished is jamming a pill down my kids throat. He is still laying in bed and i am now huffing and puffing because this is the same thing every morning, now the yelling starts you have 10 minutes to get dress and get ready to leave you need to be out the door by 7:00. Ok now it is nine minutes, So he stretches and works all the kinks from sleeping out, and i am frothing at the mouth, ready to explode. Wow it is amazing some how he gets ready with 30 seconds to spare. All is now well in my house, And he always apologizes for not getting up on time, and always gives me a hug good bye with a promise that tomorrow he will get up on time, which is more than my 14 year old does, Who by the way is up and ready on his own. I hope eighth grade will be easier for the 12 year old thank god he is in 7. So now I sit here and wonder if, I have been going through this same routine now since the kid started school why do i still get so upset, As he says i make it to the bus so whats the big deal. 7:28 and i am now exhausted from the days events, which just started.