Wednesday, August 24, 2011

reality check

     This is not my reality, this is not my life. I catch glimpse here and there of my life. you know the one that made since. Yeah that life where i thought everything was OK. Someone plucked me right out of it and dropped me in this hell, and you yes you, run right by going ha ha i know you want me but you cant catch me. Come back, i need you. I need to know that everything is right. I need to be there with you. It was easier so i thought. I was happy ( I think). I was in a good place in my head. ( maybe). i can tell you life that i would rather be there than here, even with all of those shadows of doubts i never thought about them till now. ( so that life was good)

    You threw a curve ball right into my world. You could have thrown it by, that would have been OK. I think about it daily, its been 4 weeks and this hell has just begun. Life tell me what am i suppose to learn from this. I need help i need the answers. I'm not good at figuring these things out. Please tell me. My mind is ready to explode, no i'm not going to do anything. ( well maybe another mild mental break down.) I don't sleep in fear i might miss you, when i do sleep i see you but not the way i want to.

   emptiness, pain, joy, all gone. It gets better they say, but i'm not sure i believe that. Ok wait not all gone, my own kids bring me joy and make me laugh daily. My own kids the ones i worry about more than me, my life with them will never be the same. I can make good, but they will always miss that old life to. My family's pain, my poor brother, how i wish i could carry the burden for you. I would and you know I would. Life my mother is getting old and this has aged her many years past what she should be, shes a strong lady ya know, you have plucked her up from her own reality many times only to drop her into one that made no since at all. But i got to tell you, this reality hurts the most, this one was not meant for us. You gave us the wrong life. And now you cant put us back.

   I'm ashamed i cry daily for you, than feel bad because maybe i'm cheating my own kids. But i just say that's stupid you were like one of mine, just like your brother and sister. You cross my mind a million times, nobody know where to begin, maybe its just not time to begin. On the other hand we really need to because other people are counting on us. People are ready to give up, not them selves but to make life changing decisions that could be good or bad. People all over are doing things in your name, but that's not the way its suppose to be.

  Life, give us some guidance at least. Maybe than we can all start to figure out where to go, nobody wants to be in this hell anymore. Please that's not much to ask for.

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