Tuesday, January 3, 2012

old man

   I am sitting in a grand living room, the fire burns gently. The ground is covered in a blanket of snow all is calm. I just know this, i have yet to look out the window. I don't even know how i got here, but yet i sit. I wait and wait. I know someone is coming, He arrives. He is a tall elegant old man with a slight haunch, probably from many years of working hard in the fields. His house is grand a house i would love to have some day.
   He slowly walks across the living room and sits in front of me, i can see into his deep blue eyes. I can see the years of pain the struggles he has over come. The love he has had, he is the only one left. Lost his wife a couple years back. They never had children, not that they didn't want them, he couldn't have them. And his wife stayed because no matter how badly she wanted kids she loved him more. He offers me tea i decline politely. I said i just want to know why i am here. Who brought me here? He said you did, you don't remember. No i said, i was shocked. How would i have known where this place is i still don't. The old man gently said it's in your dreams!
    Now as we sit, this old man looks at me and he says, What are you afraid of? I replied with nothing, I'm afraid of nothing. He said that cant be true everyone is afraid of something! What about love, are you afraid of love? No i said i have loved once and it was the greatest of all things! But have you been loved? I think if that's what you want to call it, he said he did. How about death are you afraid of that? No i said again in a stronger tone. How can the be he says. I have lost people from a young age, my dad when i was a little girl, to many uncles to the beast we call cancer. And most recently a young nephew of mine who took his own life. Death doesn't scare me, i want to see them again when its my time. He is baffled he said there has got to be something your afraid of! I ponder this for awhile, i think of all the things i have been through. I see memories of many things times i have forgotten about. I see me standing there holding a heart in my hand asking what am i afraid of? It hits me like a stone, I'm afraid of not living i say. I am afraid i will fall back into a routine of just going through this life with no joy. I want to live my life to the fullest here in my dreams and also in my waking state of mind. I want to feel the wind in my hair, the cold wet nose of a dog that loves me. I want to feel everything with passion in my eyes. I don't want to miss out on anymore than i already have.
    Do you feel better he asks with a smirk on his face. Why? Why would i feel better? Well you just answered why you are here. How i say. Why do you think was his reply with a laugh. I woke, and just for a moment i caught a glimpse of his house of the grand fire place with its slow burning fire. I could still smell him in the air. And i knew why i was there, i was afraid of something, but i now know that i wont let anything or anyone stop me from living ever again.
    I hope to see that old man again some day, maybe when im done living i will get to thank him.