Tuesday, January 3, 2012

old man

   I am sitting in a grand living room, the fire burns gently. The ground is covered in a blanket of snow all is calm. I just know this, i have yet to look out the window. I don't even know how i got here, but yet i sit. I wait and wait. I know someone is coming, He arrives. He is a tall elegant old man with a slight haunch, probably from many years of working hard in the fields. His house is grand a house i would love to have some day.
   He slowly walks across the living room and sits in front of me, i can see into his deep blue eyes. I can see the years of pain the struggles he has over come. The love he has had, he is the only one left. Lost his wife a couple years back. They never had children, not that they didn't want them, he couldn't have them. And his wife stayed because no matter how badly she wanted kids she loved him more. He offers me tea i decline politely. I said i just want to know why i am here. Who brought me here? He said you did, you don't remember. No i said, i was shocked. How would i have known where this place is i still don't. The old man gently said it's in your dreams!
    Now as we sit, this old man looks at me and he says, What are you afraid of? I replied with nothing, I'm afraid of nothing. He said that cant be true everyone is afraid of something! What about love, are you afraid of love? No i said i have loved once and it was the greatest of all things! But have you been loved? I think if that's what you want to call it, he said he did. How about death are you afraid of that? No i said again in a stronger tone. How can the be he says. I have lost people from a young age, my dad when i was a little girl, to many uncles to the beast we call cancer. And most recently a young nephew of mine who took his own life. Death doesn't scare me, i want to see them again when its my time. He is baffled he said there has got to be something your afraid of! I ponder this for awhile, i think of all the things i have been through. I see memories of many things times i have forgotten about. I see me standing there holding a heart in my hand asking what am i afraid of? It hits me like a stone, I'm afraid of not living i say. I am afraid i will fall back into a routine of just going through this life with no joy. I want to live my life to the fullest here in my dreams and also in my waking state of mind. I want to feel the wind in my hair, the cold wet nose of a dog that loves me. I want to feel everything with passion in my eyes. I don't want to miss out on anymore than i already have.
    Do you feel better he asks with a smirk on his face. Why? Why would i feel better? Well you just answered why you are here. How i say. Why do you think was his reply with a laugh. I woke, and just for a moment i caught a glimpse of his house of the grand fire place with its slow burning fire. I could still smell him in the air. And i knew why i was there, i was afraid of something, but i now know that i wont let anything or anyone stop me from living ever again.
    I hope to see that old man again some day, maybe when im done living i will get to thank him.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

reality check

     This is not my reality, this is not my life. I catch glimpse here and there of my life. you know the one that made since. Yeah that life where i thought everything was OK. Someone plucked me right out of it and dropped me in this hell, and you yes you, run right by going ha ha i know you want me but you cant catch me. Come back, i need you. I need to know that everything is right. I need to be there with you. It was easier so i thought. I was happy ( I think). I was in a good place in my head. ( maybe). i can tell you life that i would rather be there than here, even with all of those shadows of doubts i never thought about them till now. ( so that life was good)

    You threw a curve ball right into my world. You could have thrown it by, that would have been OK. I think about it daily, its been 4 weeks and this hell has just begun. Life tell me what am i suppose to learn from this. I need help i need the answers. I'm not good at figuring these things out. Please tell me. My mind is ready to explode, no i'm not going to do anything. ( well maybe another mild mental break down.) I don't sleep in fear i might miss you, when i do sleep i see you but not the way i want to.

   emptiness, pain, joy, all gone. It gets better they say, but i'm not sure i believe that. Ok wait not all gone, my own kids bring me joy and make me laugh daily. My own kids the ones i worry about more than me, my life with them will never be the same. I can make good, but they will always miss that old life to. My family's pain, my poor brother, how i wish i could carry the burden for you. I would and you know I would. Life my mother is getting old and this has aged her many years past what she should be, shes a strong lady ya know, you have plucked her up from her own reality many times only to drop her into one that made no since at all. But i got to tell you, this reality hurts the most, this one was not meant for us. You gave us the wrong life. And now you cant put us back.

   I'm ashamed i cry daily for you, than feel bad because maybe i'm cheating my own kids. But i just say that's stupid you were like one of mine, just like your brother and sister. You cross my mind a million times, nobody know where to begin, maybe its just not time to begin. On the other hand we really need to because other people are counting on us. People are ready to give up, not them selves but to make life changing decisions that could be good or bad. People all over are doing things in your name, but that's not the way its suppose to be.

  Life, give us some guidance at least. Maybe than we can all start to figure out where to go, nobody wants to be in this hell anymore. Please that's not much to ask for.

Saturday, August 20, 2011


I'm struggling with the demons with in, they have a tight grip on me right now. It seems to be getting harder and harder to break free. My nephew is dead i can grip that, i just want to know why. I am struggling for the whys. I'm starting to let that go though and am moving into boy do i miss him so. I loved him as much as my own boys, he brought joy to all of our lives. These demons, well they are starting to loosing up.

Now I have my husband and the demons i have been struggling with him with for the better part of 8 years, I was ready to leave last week we went to the therapist and i told her so. She made sure to make a special appointment for me on a Saturday, hmm maybe i should worried about that one. So i have decided that since my husband wants to keep going than i at least owe him that. I just want to be happy and i know that comes from within, i am happy with my self just not always my situation. So one baby step at a time. and maybe all the lessons to be learned will happen and work for me..

Sunday, August 7, 2011


There are no words to describe the emptiness i feel in my heart, Cherokee is forever gone. It has gotten harder as the days have passed. The family starts counseling this week fingers crossed.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

standing still

   I am stuck in a nightmare that i cant even explain. My nephew died last week at 17, by his own hand. So many questions left unanswered no note no warning, nothing. He was a beautiful person in all ways, he was loved by many and brought so much joy to this world. Always had a smile on his face, and lived life to the fullest. He excelled at everything he did, sports to school work or just being a friend. Never afraid to say i love you and give you a kiss even in public. He was proud of his family and who he was. I cant imagine where to go from here. I loved him as much as my own kids, and have thought i was cheating them. But realized i am not and should be proud to be his aunt. His dad (my brother) was an incredible father, yeah he worked long hard days but he still made time to do things with his kids. Even a trip to the store he would make a memory with them, i admire my brother in more ways than i can say.
   Many thoughts i am here left with, not just about my nephew but about my own life, my own marriage my kids. I Love my husband and i know he loves me, but we certainly don't make time for our kids, or ourselves. I am a go go type of person, he is a home body. Work makes him so tired that really we do nothing as a family. He has thyroid and testosterone problems and medication to correct the problem, ie lack of energy. But he will not take it right, and i don't mean he misses a day here and there i mean he will have 30 pills last him six months. I guess i just thought that after his heart attack and bypass surgery, he would have changed things. Maybe a card game or dinner together. But what about a hike, or a trip to the beach. We have three boys his mine and ours. And i have always felt he was harder on mine, he says its because he needs that with his adhd. Yeah maybe he does but it can be done in a different way. I have talked to him many times about it. Yet it is the same.
   I am only bringing this up because my nephew lived with his dad, so did my niece. Their mother picked a guy over them, i guy that was not nice to them that was mean, not physically but emotionally, which my son struggles with my husband with. I cant imagine now how that mother feels, and i don't want to ever feel that way. I sit and think what if that was my son, how would i feel about my decisions in life up to this point. Right now i don't like most of mine, and i feel my 13 year old pain. My husband does love him more than anything, but is by far very different with him. And not only does the 13 year old see it but his 15 year old son who lives with us sees it.
    So where do i go from here? This has forever altered everything i have ever thought, it has altered my own reality, it has altered my own dreams and what i think a family should be like. I want that life i want to live every moment to the fullest i want my kids to know they were loved, and to not think they are an asshole, because that's what dad tells them. But i don't know how to fix this, i have been trying for 4 years now to no avail, yeah he is great to me most of the time, but?

Sunday, July 31, 2011

Thursday, July 28, 2011


Cherokee you were to young to go, i know we leave when it is our time. I am stuck right now in place of nowhere. I wish i was lost i could find my way out. But where i am there's no way in and no way out. I know your in heaven looking over us. But why did you have to go at 17? Everyday i see something that reminds me of you. I know you are ok, And we will be too. You will always be in our hearts. The memories will stay alive. You were the best nephew. You taught my boys alot, they looked up to you. Keep on smiling.

I will see you again.

I love you with all my heart.

Aunt Toni

I don't want to write anymore in this blog. The grief i have had surrounding my family lately is to much to bare, an uncle died another is dieing and my nephew left us on the 17. I will write on my paper with my pen, for only me to hold and read when i need it most. Thank you for the people who have followed. But i cant do anymore on here. I will be removeing it shortly.