Thursday, August 4, 2011

standing still

   I am stuck in a nightmare that i cant even explain. My nephew died last week at 17, by his own hand. So many questions left unanswered no note no warning, nothing. He was a beautiful person in all ways, he was loved by many and brought so much joy to this world. Always had a smile on his face, and lived life to the fullest. He excelled at everything he did, sports to school work or just being a friend. Never afraid to say i love you and give you a kiss even in public. He was proud of his family and who he was. I cant imagine where to go from here. I loved him as much as my own kids, and have thought i was cheating them. But realized i am not and should be proud to be his aunt. His dad (my brother) was an incredible father, yeah he worked long hard days but he still made time to do things with his kids. Even a trip to the store he would make a memory with them, i admire my brother in more ways than i can say.
   Many thoughts i am here left with, not just about my nephew but about my own life, my own marriage my kids. I Love my husband and i know he loves me, but we certainly don't make time for our kids, or ourselves. I am a go go type of person, he is a home body. Work makes him so tired that really we do nothing as a family. He has thyroid and testosterone problems and medication to correct the problem, ie lack of energy. But he will not take it right, and i don't mean he misses a day here and there i mean he will have 30 pills last him six months. I guess i just thought that after his heart attack and bypass surgery, he would have changed things. Maybe a card game or dinner together. But what about a hike, or a trip to the beach. We have three boys his mine and ours. And i have always felt he was harder on mine, he says its because he needs that with his adhd. Yeah maybe he does but it can be done in a different way. I have talked to him many times about it. Yet it is the same.
   I am only bringing this up because my nephew lived with his dad, so did my niece. Their mother picked a guy over them, i guy that was not nice to them that was mean, not physically but emotionally, which my son struggles with my husband with. I cant imagine now how that mother feels, and i don't want to ever feel that way. I sit and think what if that was my son, how would i feel about my decisions in life up to this point. Right now i don't like most of mine, and i feel my 13 year old pain. My husband does love him more than anything, but is by far very different with him. And not only does the 13 year old see it but his 15 year old son who lives with us sees it.
    So where do i go from here? This has forever altered everything i have ever thought, it has altered my own reality, it has altered my own dreams and what i think a family should be like. I want that life i want to live every moment to the fullest i want my kids to know they were loved, and to not think they are an asshole, because that's what dad tells them. But i don't know how to fix this, i have been trying for 4 years now to no avail, yeah he is great to me most of the time, but?

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