standing still

   I am stuck in a nightmare that i cant even explain. My nephew died last week at 17, by his own hand. So many questions left unanswered no note no warning, nothing. He was a beautiful person in all ways, he was loved by many and brought so much joy to this world. Always had a smile on his face, and lived life to the fullest. He excelled at everything he did, sports to school work or just being a friend. Never afraid to say i love you and give you a kiss even in public. He was proud of his family and who he was. I cant imagine where to go from here. I loved him as much as my own kids, and have thought i was cheating them. But realized i am not and should be proud to be his aunt. His dad (my brother) was an incredible father, yeah he worked long hard days but he still made time to do things with his kids. Even a trip to the store he would make a memory with them, i admire my brother in more ways than i can say.
   Many thoughts i am here left with, not just about my nephew but about my own life, my own marriage my kids. I Love my husband and i know he loves me, but we certainly don't make time for our kids, or ourselves. I am a go go type of person, he is a home body. Work makes him so tired that really we do nothing as a family. He has thyroid and testosterone problems and medication to correct the problem, ie lack of energy. But he will not take it right, and i don't mean he misses a day here and there i mean he will have 30 pills last him six months. I guess i just thought that after his heart attack and bypass surgery, he would have changed things. Maybe a card game or dinner together. But what about a hike, or a trip to the beach. We have three boys his mine and ours. And i have always felt he was harder on mine, he says its because he needs that with his adhd. Yeah maybe he does but it can be done in a different way. I have talked to him many times about it. Yet it is the same.
   I am only bringing this up because my nephew lived with his dad, so did my niece. Their mother picked a guy over them, i guy that was not nice to them that was mean, not physically but emotionally, which my son struggles with my husband with. I cant imagine now how that mother feels, and i don't want to ever feel that way. I sit and think what if that was my son, how would i feel about my decisions in life up to this point. Right now i don't like most of mine, and i feel my 13 year old pain. My husband does love him more than anything, but is by far very different with him. And not only does the 13 year old see it but his 15 year old son who lives with us sees it.
    So where do i go from here? This has forever altered everything i have ever thought, it has altered my own reality, it has altered my own dreams and what i think a family should be like. I want that life i want to live every moment to the fullest i want my kids to know they were loved, and to not think they are an asshole, because that's what dad tells them. But i don't know how to fix this, i have been trying for 4 years now to no avail, yeah he is great to me most of the time, but?
 

I dont want to let go.

He is the boy with no shirt, to yound to die.

Cherokee

Cherokee you were to young to go, i know we leave when it is our time. I am stuck right now in place of nowhere. I wish i was lost i could find my way out. But where i am there's no way in and no way out. I know your in heaven looking over us. But why did you have to go at 17? Everyday i see something that reminds me of you. I know you are ok, And we will be too. You will always be in our hearts. The memories will stay alive. You were the best nephew. You taught my boys alot, they looked up to you. Keep on smiling.

I will see you again.

I love you with all my heart.

Aunt Toni

I don't want to write anymore in this blog. The grief i have had surrounding my family lately is to much to bare, an uncle died another is dieing and my nephew left us on the 17. I will write on my paper with my pen, for only me to hold and read when i need it most. Thank you for the people who have followed. But i cant do anymore on here. I will be removeing it shortly.

Toni

dinosaur eggs and best friends

   I want to start with the fact that i have very vivid dreams. I normally wake up once a night going wtf was that about. I also have a tendency to be able to comprehend and think rationally in my dreams. That has taken many years of practice. I tend to remember at least one if not bits and pieces of many.
    This particular night i was having a hard time sleeping. I took a benadryl about midnight hoping it would calm my sinuses and also give me that little extra umph to dream land.
    Here i am in a standard hospital, doctors nurses the whole nine yards. I was going to be a surget mother for my friend or at least that is my take on it. I went through all the preliminaries of meeting with the head doctor to make sure i had a stable mind. I also had the physical the blood drawn and i was all set to do this.
   Now I am in a room laying on my side in the white gown waiting for the doc to start the procedure. In walks my friend with her white gown shoes wrapped in blue booties and a hair cap. She proceeds to put her gloves on. Holding a gigantic looking dinosaur egg in her right hand she states ( I think this is what we are going to do, I am going to lift your leg and ram this sucker in.)  OK now my rational side of me is thinking wait this is not right what the hell is she thinking. Oh god i saw the look of fear in my eyes, Bang wide awake i am.
   This would have to be one of the strangest dreams i have had. I can only think that it came about because i am having my tubes tied, And i also watched a 7 month old baby that day.
   Feel free to add your opinion to this. It would be much appreciated.

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I have nothing, when i do i will blog about it...

live

I like the town i live in but hate the landlord he does not fix anything...ugg back to looking thought it was a good place but i was wrong when the lights started to leak water and the back bedrooms have no heat, and many other things that are to much to list. It will just piss me off more than i am.. Thanky you bloggy land for letting me vent. this shit sucks....I hate looking for places to house my family...On ward we march,
I want something that i can stay in for a long time, moving sucks.

Minute Mans Wife

       This is to you. We have been together as friends for a long time, we meet by chance i think. Mutual friends brought us together. You were a girl i could be my self with, you never passed judgment. You were just like me in alot of ways, and yet so different. You could be yourself around me, tell me all your secrets,and when you didnt i still new them anyways. I have that special gift ya know. My kids hate it, they wish i could not get in to their heads.
        So many fun times we had, from drinking your moms liquor to being left at the roller rink, And even sharing the same friends. If you know what i mean. So many times i have wished i could go back to my youth and get lost in it all again. But there were sad times to like when you were in the hospital and i came to see you with our friends, yeah it was an hour away but i know it meant everything to you. Times when we thought my family might move. To heart breaks and thinking our world has ended because the current guy we were dating dumped one of us. We were thick as thieves you and I. Did everything together.
        Well we went out last night and had the girl time we needed, trying not to bring up subjects that would hurt. Drinking our scorpion bowl and having some crab Rangoon's. It was nice just to chill.  But the thing is, over the last six years we have been hanging again, you have done more for me than i can ever repay you for. giving me cloths and shoes and taking me out. Being there for me when my heart was broke. Maybe you didnt always know what to say, but you still listened anyways. I guess what i am trying to say is that i am lucky to have a friend like you. And i hope one day i can do for you what you have done for me.
        Please stay true..only you know what that is...I always think of you as the rainbow girl. The one who can pull off the punky Brewster look. And the girl who can look sophisticated if she needs. But the rainbow girl is always shining through in some way or another in what ever you wear..