I dont want to let go.

He is the boy with no shirt, to yound to die.

Cherokee

Cherokee you were to young to go, i know we leave when it is our time. I am stuck right now in place of nowhere. I wish i was lost i could find my way out. But where i am there's no way in and no way out. I know your in heaven looking over us. But why did you have to go at 17? Everyday i see something that reminds me of you. I know you are ok, And we will be too. You will always be in our hearts. The memories will stay alive. You were the best nephew. You taught my boys alot, they looked up to you. Keep on smiling.

I will see you again.

I love you with all my heart.

Aunt Toni

I don't want to write anymore in this blog. The grief i have had surrounding my family lately is to much to bare, an uncle died another is dieing and my nephew left us on the 17. I will write on my paper with my pen, for only me to hold and read when i need it most. Thank you for the people who have followed. But i cant do anymore on here. I will be removeing it shortly.

Toni

dinosaur eggs and best friends

   I want to start with the fact that i have very vivid dreams. I normally wake up once a night going wtf was that about. I also have a tendency to be able to comprehend and think rationally in my dreams. That has taken many years of practice. I tend to remember at least one if not bits and pieces of many.
    This particular night i was having a hard time sleeping. I took a benadryl about midnight hoping it would calm my sinuses and also give me that little extra umph to dream land.
    Here i am in a standard hospital, doctors nurses the whole nine yards. I was going to be a surget mother for my friend or at least that is my take on it. I went through all the preliminaries of meeting with the head doctor to make sure i had a stable mind. I also had the physical the blood drawn and i was all set to do this.
   Now I am in a room laying on my side in the white gown waiting for the doc to start the procedure. In walks my friend with her white gown shoes wrapped in blue booties and a hair cap. She proceeds to put her gloves on. Holding a gigantic looking dinosaur egg in her right hand she states ( I think this is what we are going to do, I am going to lift your leg and ram this sucker in.)  OK now my rational side of me is thinking wait this is not right what the hell is she thinking. Oh god i saw the look of fear in my eyes, Bang wide awake i am.
   This would have to be one of the strangest dreams i have had. I can only think that it came about because i am having my tubes tied, And i also watched a 7 month old baby that day.
   Feel free to add your opinion to this. It would be much appreciated.

" "

I have nothing, when i do i will blog about it...

live

I like the town i live in but hate the landlord he does not fix anything...ugg back to looking thought it was a good place but i was wrong when the lights started to leak water and the back bedrooms have no heat, and many other things that are to much to list. It will just piss me off more than i am.. Thanky you bloggy land for letting me vent. this shit sucks....I hate looking for places to house my family...On ward we march,
I want something that i can stay in for a long time, moving sucks.

Minute Mans Wife

       This is to you. We have been together as friends for a long time, we meet by chance i think. Mutual friends brought us together. You were a girl i could be my self with, you never passed judgment. You were just like me in alot of ways, and yet so different. You could be yourself around me, tell me all your secrets,and when you didnt i still new them anyways. I have that special gift ya know. My kids hate it, they wish i could not get in to their heads.
        So many fun times we had, from drinking your moms liquor to being left at the roller rink, And even sharing the same friends. If you know what i mean. So many times i have wished i could go back to my youth and get lost in it all again. But there were sad times to like when you were in the hospital and i came to see you with our friends, yeah it was an hour away but i know it meant everything to you. Times when we thought my family might move. To heart breaks and thinking our world has ended because the current guy we were dating dumped one of us. We were thick as thieves you and I. Did everything together.
        Well we went out last night and had the girl time we needed, trying not to bring up subjects that would hurt. Drinking our scorpion bowl and having some crab Rangoon's. It was nice just to chill.  But the thing is, over the last six years we have been hanging again, you have done more for me than i can ever repay you for. giving me cloths and shoes and taking me out. Being there for me when my heart was broke. Maybe you didnt always know what to say, but you still listened anyways. I guess what i am trying to say is that i am lucky to have a friend like you. And i hope one day i can do for you what you have done for me.
        Please stay true..only you know what that is...I always think of you as the rainbow girl. The one who can pull off the punky Brewster look. And the girl who can look sophisticated if she needs. But the rainbow girl is always shining through in some way or another in what ever you wear..

voices

So here i am talking to my friend about her current situation, And she says i should have listen to the voices in my head, as to which i replied, oh i don't listen to mine very often it is always telling me to jump. That's right the evil little guy on my shoulder saying jump i know you can fly, the other one saying hey i have never steered you wrong you cant fly. As to which i am now looking at them saying shut up. I can to fly, wait i don't have wings, i want to jump, no i dont i still have to much to do. I want to meddle in others affairs, no you don't , oh yeah well to late already did. I want to say told you so. Nope cant do that, you were hoping it would be different. Those little voices just don't want to go away, Yes i have jumped once or twice, because the one on the right told me to or the one on the left they tend to switch things up just to confuse me. Yep jumped of a bridge, that was oh i don't know, but way to high from the water for my comfort. Whole way down screaming oh shit, hit the water and felt like it took ten minutes to surface, the whole time wondering if i was going to surface or if that voice of mine was going to keep me down, only to surface after all the life had drained out of me, And guess what that voice said to me, see you can fly. Try again!!  No way the other one said, the next time it might not be near water. Remember when you were driving and i brought you back from the edge of the road, because that guy over there yep that's right, the one sitting there always steering you to jump, yeah him telling you it was ok, to go to that place of the great beyond. And me on the other side screaming no, you can make it through, it is only a bump in the road called life, All the while you were holding your ears going lalalalalal, I cant hear you, lalalala. Damn voices show up in the worse possible times, but thankfully i can realize that there is still so much left to learn. So to my dear friend, sometimes we don't listen because there was a lesson that still needed to be learned.